“HEART EYES” (2025, 97 min., directed by Josh Ruben)
My girlfriend was recently explaining why she loves formulaic romantic comedies.
It didn’t matter whether the movies were “good” or not, she told me. As long as romcoms follow the beats that are expected from them, there is a comfort in their sweet, trope-y predictability.
I realized that slasher movies are exactly the same way.
The two genres dovetail in unexpected ways: where my girlfriend proposed the girl gets the guy at the end of a romcom, I suggested the final girl must defeat the killer at the end of a slasher. It’s a different kind of “getting the guy,” sure, but the two aren’t so far afield.
Our date nights often alternate between romcoms and slashers – “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” one night, “Scream” the next – which has led to a dilemma this Valentine’s Day. Which to choose?
Enter “Heart Eyes,” a romantic comedy inside of a slasher movie.
“Heart Eyes” is the perfect thesis statement of both of our topics. It’s comfortingly predictable as a romcom and assuringly formulaic as a slasher. The meet-cute follows right after the first kill, the second act argument precedes the twist killer and the climactic fight for their lives is paired with the realization that the couple can’t live without each other.
The film oozes with as much gnarly gore as romantic chemistry between the two leads,.
“Heart Eyes” isn’t perfect, but it doesn’t need to be. It follows its formula and sticks to its guns – or Cupid-themed knives, in the case of the “Heart Eyes” killer. For romcom lovers or slasher sweethearts, it’s the perfect date night choice this Valentine’s Day.
Rating: 4/5
“LOVE HURTS” (2025, 83 min., directed by Jonathan Eusebio)
Where “Heart Eyes” is a seamless blend of horror and romance, “Love Hurts” is a painful attempt to pair stunt action with romantic comedy. It hurts to say it, but “Love Hurts” is a miss.
The film comes from 87North Productions, a production company that focuses on producing high-concept action films. “John Wick,” “Nobody,” “Bullet Train” and the Christmas-themed “Violent Night” are all from 87North. “Love Hurts” manages to feel like a lesser version of all of them, parroting the aged movie star-turned-action hero beats of its peers and failing to match even the holiday conceit of “Violent Night.”
Where a mediocre action film is occasionally saved by the charisma of its stars, “Love Hurts” is still a disappointment. The leads of the film are Ke Huy Quan and Ariana DeBose, both of whom have won Oscars inside the last five years.
The two play estranged hitmen and lovers driven back together on Valentine’s Day by a criminal conspiracy. While Quan is charming, DeBose is poorly cast, and the resulting mixture is rough. The tertiary performers are similarly disappointing.
The sole standouts of the film are Quan and Marshawn Lynch, who plays a henchman of the big bad. The two are fantastic in everything they’ve been in. In fact, I would’ve loved to be watching “Everything Everywhere All at Once” or “Bottoms” instead.
The film struggles to even justify its Valentine’s Day theme. DeBose’s character hands out a few valentines, sure, but the movie is more about real estate than romance – Quan’s character attempted to break out of the hitmen world by becoming a real estate agent. The generically furnished homes his character gives tours of are just as devoid of personality as the movie around them.
“Love Hurts” is like a Valentine’s Day card from an ex: reminiscent of better times and not short enough.
Rating: 1/5